i cannot begin to convey the relief, joy, excitement and hope i experienced yesterday. i have to say, it was the best day i've had in a really long time.
i woke up with a heavy heart, loaded Zaka and Hannah into the car, and embarked on a road trip up to Arroyo Grande to visit the kitty eye doctor. Hannah tried to talk me into believing in the possibillity that Zak didn't have cancer, but i needed to be prepared for the worst. i had already decided to sell my car to pay for his treatment, and was coming up with new pirate names for my soon-to-be one-eyed cat.
On the drive up we found a strong, clear radio station to listen to the inauguration speech given by Barack Obama. something in me changed. hannah and I talked politics, civil rights, progress, hope, responsibility. we talked about the past and the future.
At the opthamologist's office, we learned that Zaka's eye has a virtually harmless cyst. no cancer. she'll just need to monitor the development of the cyst, and if it becomes troublesome she'll remove it. the doctor was concerned because he had some white blood cells floating around in both eyes, so he's gotta have some bloodwork done and gets daily eyedrops. that's it!!!
last night before going to sleep i watched Michelle and Barack Obama dance as Beyonce sang "At Last."
this morning, i watched the sun rise over a new country.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
finally
i've been crying every single day.
i'm ok when i wake up, but once i get to work, i sit down, think about something and cry... try to pull myself together, cry on and off all day... then go home, have dinner, and cry myself to sleep.
this crying spell was triggered by a series of events that resulted in me coming to the realization that my best friend and coworker carol is not really a good friend after all.
i was going to write everything that happened but i'm just so sick of dealing with it that i really don't want to after all. i've basically just been taken advantage of and then blamed for fucking everything up because i actually finally stood up for myself and expressed my own needs for once. and i'm out $60 in cash, $100 damage to my car from when she borrowed it for three weeks, plus several valuable items that she had "borrowed" that i'm pretty sure i won't see again. oh well, i guess it's just the price i pay for learning the hard way, as usual.
i really need my things back if i can get them, so even though i felt icky about it, i basically apologized profusely and said it was all my fault and i've been really depressed lately and it makes me get upset at little things. i felt cheap and deceptive and dirty, but at least i'm not getting hateful emails all day from her anymore. she said she forgave me and decided "it must be the med change." we still aren't talking but maybe i will see my stuff again before she moves in two weeks. only time will tell...
she's basically causing way more damage to her own life these days anyway. she quit her job because she's "sick of working for these bitches" and she thinks they are trying to get rid of her anyway. she and her boyfriend are going to move in with her paranoid schizophrenic mother up north and i guess try to find work up there. i was getting tired of her complaining and negative attitude anyway, so i guess all this bullshit is a blessing in disguise.
today, i haven't cried at all. all of a sudden, it stopped. like turning off a faucet. the hateful emails i received pretty much nailed the coffin shut, and i am done mourning the friendship, but i am still angry and hurt about all the fucked up things she said to me.
at least i'm not crying anymore.
i'm ok when i wake up, but once i get to work, i sit down, think about something and cry... try to pull myself together, cry on and off all day... then go home, have dinner, and cry myself to sleep.
this crying spell was triggered by a series of events that resulted in me coming to the realization that my best friend and coworker carol is not really a good friend after all.
i was going to write everything that happened but i'm just so sick of dealing with it that i really don't want to after all. i've basically just been taken advantage of and then blamed for fucking everything up because i actually finally stood up for myself and expressed my own needs for once. and i'm out $60 in cash, $100 damage to my car from when she borrowed it for three weeks, plus several valuable items that she had "borrowed" that i'm pretty sure i won't see again. oh well, i guess it's just the price i pay for learning the hard way, as usual.
i really need my things back if i can get them, so even though i felt icky about it, i basically apologized profusely and said it was all my fault and i've been really depressed lately and it makes me get upset at little things. i felt cheap and deceptive and dirty, but at least i'm not getting hateful emails all day from her anymore. she said she forgave me and decided "it must be the med change." we still aren't talking but maybe i will see my stuff again before she moves in two weeks. only time will tell...
she's basically causing way more damage to her own life these days anyway. she quit her job because she's "sick of working for these bitches" and she thinks they are trying to get rid of her anyway. she and her boyfriend are going to move in with her paranoid schizophrenic mother up north and i guess try to find work up there. i was getting tired of her complaining and negative attitude anyway, so i guess all this bullshit is a blessing in disguise.
today, i haven't cried at all. all of a sudden, it stopped. like turning off a faucet. the hateful emails i received pretty much nailed the coffin shut, and i am done mourning the friendship, but i am still angry and hurt about all the fucked up things she said to me.
at least i'm not crying anymore.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
i don't like to cry
especially when tears come without thoughts, without explanation or reason.
today they come in waves, washing upon me, then pulling back away.
i feel foolish and ashamed and unprofessional and weak.
a concerned hand upon my shoulder call them back.
anything i can do to help?
no, i doubt it.
well, i'm here for you if there's anything i can do.
but we can't talk them away, there is no issue to resolve or insult or injury to heal.
i feel like my tears are selfish.
they bring compassion and concern from those around me when there's nothing wrong. i wish they could understand that today my tears are like sneezes when you have the flu. but there's no shot to boost emotional immunity. i've come down with a sickness to which they are immune. i do the best i can, take my daily pills, but there are times when this illness will not be denied, no matter how diligent i've been with taking preventative measures.
today is just one of those days, one of the thousands of days in between the crazier times and the stabler times.
it's not a bad day, it's not a scary day. just a day for tears.
today they come in waves, washing upon me, then pulling back away.
i feel foolish and ashamed and unprofessional and weak.
a concerned hand upon my shoulder call them back.
anything i can do to help?
no, i doubt it.
well, i'm here for you if there's anything i can do.
but we can't talk them away, there is no issue to resolve or insult or injury to heal.
i feel like my tears are selfish.
they bring compassion and concern from those around me when there's nothing wrong. i wish they could understand that today my tears are like sneezes when you have the flu. but there's no shot to boost emotional immunity. i've come down with a sickness to which they are immune. i do the best i can, take my daily pills, but there are times when this illness will not be denied, no matter how diligent i've been with taking preventative measures.
today is just one of those days, one of the thousands of days in between the crazier times and the stabler times.
it's not a bad day, it's not a scary day. just a day for tears.
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