finally

i've been crying every single day.

i'm ok when i wake up, but once i get to work, i sit down, think about something and cry... try to pull myself together, cry on and off all day... then go home, have dinner, and cry myself to sleep.

this crying spell was triggered by a series of events that resulted in me coming to the realization that my best friend and coworker carol is not really a good friend after all.

i was going to write everything that happened but i'm just so sick of dealing with it that i really don't want to after all. i've basically just been taken advantage of and then blamed for fucking everything up because i actually finally stood up for myself and expressed my own needs for once. and i'm out $60 in cash, $100 damage to my car from when she borrowed it for three weeks, plus several valuable items that she had "borrowed" that i'm pretty sure i won't see again. oh well, i guess it's just the price i pay for learning the hard way, as usual.

i really need my things back if i can get them, so even though i felt icky about it, i basically apologized profusely and said it was all my fault and i've been really depressed lately and it makes me get upset at little things. i felt cheap and deceptive and dirty, but at least i'm not getting hateful emails all day from her anymore. she said she forgave me and decided "it must be the med change." we still aren't talking but maybe i will see my stuff again before she moves in two weeks. only time will tell...

she's basically causing way more damage to her own life these days anyway. she quit her job because she's "sick of working for these bitches" and she thinks they are trying to get rid of her anyway. she and her boyfriend are going to move in with her paranoid schizophrenic mother up north and i guess try to find work up there. i was getting tired of her complaining and negative attitude anyway, so i guess all this bullshit is a blessing in disguise.

today, i haven't cried at all. all of a sudden, it stopped. like turning off a faucet. the hateful emails i received pretty much nailed the coffin shut, and i am done mourning the friendship, but i am still angry and hurt about all the fucked up things she said to me.

at least i'm not crying anymore.