so, the thickness is settling in around me. everything i hear sounds muffled and far away. yesterday the lights seemed too bright, almost assaulting. yesterday i was afraid. i could feel where i was headed. but today things are dim and distant, not unlike a dream. i've been here before, this used to be my home. i'm ok with settling in here for a while.
whatever.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
The beginning of something new?
As I drove home last night, I simultaneously felt a lifting up and a pulling down within. How strange, and yet somehow familiar. I could feel myself slowly lengthening inside. My breath became deeper, my neck longer, my longing more urgent, my thoughts more still.
I can't help but wonder what triggered this shift.
Perhaps my music [Album: Spiritchaser; Artist: Dead Can Dance] activated some long-dormant spiritual quest I've forgotten I held within. I found the cassette on my floor yesterday. Why did it suddenly appear? It's been years, perhaps more than five, since I listened to that tape. I haven't even owned a tape player until I was graced with a Honda complete with old-school cassette player. Music has always been a very powerful emotional presence within me. It pulls me in, fills me, becomes me. There is no me. I am pure music. Even thinking about the power of music makes me ache for just one more musical drowning. Lonely. I am afraid now. I am safe, separated from the wholeness. The interconnectivity is too powerful, too much for me to experience without feeling desperately alone when it's gone. My eyes just now began to well with tears of pure feeling. Will I never feel that wholeness, that complete undeniable realness of the moment? Is it playing with fire? Now I feel so full and empty inside just from writing, thinking about it.
I recently decreased my Lexapro dosage from 30mg down to 25. My official dosage is 50mg because that is the amount that keeps my depression at bay. But at 50mg, any time I miss a day I get sick. Why is that? I decided to lower my dosage slowly to prevent the more sudden and severe withdrawal that comes when I forget to pick up my refill. I worry about what this chemical is doing to me, how it affects the goings-on inside.
I can feel the depression playing with me. Fluctuating. It sinks in and fills me, then takes a few steps back. It lingers on the sidelines pacing. I am agitated. I work alongside my former husband who has his own ups and downs, both emotionally and drug-ly. I've remained (become?) close friends once we both adjusted to the divorce, however days like today are a challenge. Today I can tell he has been using again. It makes me want to crawl out of my own skin and into the fishbowl next to me. Captain Nemo wouldn't mind, I'm sure - we've spent many hours gazing meaningfully into each other's eyes. He comes up to kiss my nose sometimes.
i deleted the rest of this blog for personal reasons. maybe i'll explain that later.
I can't help but wonder what triggered this shift.
Perhaps my music [Album: Spiritchaser; Artist: Dead Can Dance] activated some long-dormant spiritual quest I've forgotten I held within. I found the cassette on my floor yesterday. Why did it suddenly appear? It's been years, perhaps more than five, since I listened to that tape. I haven't even owned a tape player until I was graced with a Honda complete with old-school cassette player. Music has always been a very powerful emotional presence within me. It pulls me in, fills me, becomes me. There is no me. I am pure music. Even thinking about the power of music makes me ache for just one more musical drowning. Lonely. I am afraid now. I am safe, separated from the wholeness. The interconnectivity is too powerful, too much for me to experience without feeling desperately alone when it's gone. My eyes just now began to well with tears of pure feeling. Will I never feel that wholeness, that complete undeniable realness of the moment? Is it playing with fire? Now I feel so full and empty inside just from writing, thinking about it.
I recently decreased my Lexapro dosage from 30mg down to 25. My official dosage is 50mg because that is the amount that keeps my depression at bay. But at 50mg, any time I miss a day I get sick. Why is that? I decided to lower my dosage slowly to prevent the more sudden and severe withdrawal that comes when I forget to pick up my refill. I worry about what this chemical is doing to me, how it affects the goings-on inside.
I can feel the depression playing with me. Fluctuating. It sinks in and fills me, then takes a few steps back. It lingers on the sidelines pacing. I am agitated. I work alongside my former husband who has his own ups and downs, both emotionally and drug-ly. I've remained (become?) close friends once we both adjusted to the divorce, however days like today are a challenge. Today I can tell he has been using again. It makes me want to crawl out of my own skin and into the fishbowl next to me. Captain Nemo wouldn't mind, I'm sure - we've spent many hours gazing meaningfully into each other's eyes. He comes up to kiss my nose sometimes.
i deleted the rest of this blog for personal reasons. maybe i'll explain that later.
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