Today Is A Vibrant Day!!

I could tell things were going well with me before I even opened my eyes. The first alarm on my cell phone is set at 4:55am; it is the pre-wake nudge to help me (too frequently unsuccessfully) process and respond to the next several alarms, slogging my way to the bathroom in a groggy, heavy-lidded stupor to splash some cold water upon my pillow-creased face. This morning, however, it rang its gentle little song while I listened happily, easily shifting into refreshed wakefulness.

My phone has three sequential alarms that are spaced in 13 minute increments. Why thirteen, you ask? Let me explain. More often than not, I choose to "snooze" at least one alarm (that is, if it has even managed to penetrate my thick pre-dawn coma) As long as I have the timing of each alarm spaced properly, when the snooze time is up it will not reactivate at the same moment the next alarm is scheduled to go off. This prevents me from thinking (erroneously) that I am still only on my first alarm, rather than my the second or third. Each alarm rings a different tune, and a few days ago I had chosen new tones as I had become desensitized to the old ones, assimilating them into my dreams as a soundrack.

For some odd reason I found the new songs delightful, and let them each play over and over until they were silenced by the auto-snooze imposed by my phone.

At this point it occurs to me that I had turned off my phone reception in the middle of the night. This was in response to a call from my ex. He has always been my Achilles' heel when it comes to taking care of myself. I loved him for so long, far longer than I wanted to, for years after we split up, with an aching full and empty love that would not fade away. It tortured me and expanded me at the same time. We have not spoken or seen each other for many months, and we both know we will never find common ground to stand upon together. Yet I still love him with all my heart, and the love is that much sweeter for having distance to appreciate it.

I do not answer the call.

I wake to the world, take a bath and wash my hair (something I have to say I have neglected for too long, immobilized by apathy until today), put on a cozy hippie skirt made out of patchwork plaid flannel, and arrived at work invigorated and sweet-smelling a full ten minutes early.

All my favorite people are working today. I watched the sun rise with my spunky beautiful friend erin and we walked, arms linked, to the coffee shop. The girl behind the counter gave us an extra coffee drink because she made a mistake.

I've been humming to myself all day, and when I talk with others, sometimes I put the words into a song just to make them smile. I finally get to be a child today, my true nature. My skirt swishes and swings and I like to spin around so that it floats all around me.

Panda asked if he could feel it.

He likes fuzzy things too.

.

Now that I think about it, I remember how the fun little girl inside got to start coming out to play yesterday, when it was too hot at my desk but I couldn't open the window because of the jackhammer. Usually if I put my hair up in one ponytail I get a bad headache by the middle of the day. But it was really hot, so I had to do something. I decided it was time to bring the little girl back out. It's been a really long time since I've been able to wear the little spazzy teddy bear buns on my head, but finally the darkness has lifted, and so my hair gets to do fun things! Yay!! My coworkers seemed to approve, and I am just quirky enough to be able to get away with all kinds of wacky outfits, hairstyles, and behavior because they're all used to my weirdness by now. I have a habit of fidgeting with things, and by the afternoon my hair looked more like a puppy dog or a flop-eared rabbit which i guess is almost just as good. Too bad I can't do my hair to look like a kitten!

At my request, my new psychiatrist has changed around my meds. I have been slowly decreasing the Lexapro over the past few months and am down from 50mg a day (!) to 10mg. My goal is to eliminate it completely. I specifically requested to do this because every time I skipped a day or forgot to call in my refill on time (all too often), I'd get sick. Feverish, congested, achy, migraine headaches, etc... You'd think I was in withdrawl from some gnarly hard drug or something. I'm taking less Adderall too, down to 10mg a day from like 60 or something. And finally I have Wellbutrin again! I can't even remember why I got switched off that in the first place. I'm sure there was a reason...

The change in my outlook, my energy, my demeanor - it is palpable, it has cleared the air I breathe.

It has adjusted the grip depression's extra gravitational pull had on me.

I can love in a sweet way instead of a bitter way.

Please, please stay awhile!

Keep me breathing this way, in and out, without effort.